The Weekly: 9
Hello people who line dance. And hello people who dance in a circle [white people at weddings].
This week’s The Weekly is coming at you from Newport, Rhode Island. Wiff and I are here for the Newport Jazz Festival [we're attending, not performing]. Lots of smiling middle-aged New Englanders, white wine, lobstah. My kind of festival.
This is the first edition of The Weekly since I took the stage at Gotham Comedy Club in my first ever comedy showcase. [Showcase is a fancy word for show.] Thank you to everyone who came to see me, even if you didn't know which one was me [hey, Katie!].
It was weird afterwards. All I wanted to do was curl up with a Negroni and cry. And I wasn’t even sad! I’m not exactly in tune with my emotions [I don't have any] but my best guess is that I felt like tearing up [men don’t cry, we shed tears] for two reasons.
First, I’m not used to recognizing support from family and friends. I KNOW IT’S ALWAYS THERE, PEOPLE [right?], but I tend to think of myself as someone who never needs/wants that support. And it was cool to see it.
Me: I don't need your support.
People: We're here!
Me: WHY ARE THERE TEARS?
Second, it a huge milestone. I worked a LONG time on the material and the performance [thanks for the help, Wiff!]. I think the passing of such a milestone is a big deal, worthy of an emotion, so one popped up.
It felt good to have lights on my face. It felt great to make [six] people laugh. I felt like I belonged.
I’ve received comments from several people complaining that the video* was “too funny”.
When you have this much talent the most difficult part is dumbing it down so you don’t blow away the audience. I’ll make my next set less funny. It’s a difficult task [I can’t just turn this off, people], but you guys deserve better.
My next showcase it Wednesday, August 10th. You are each very personally invited to come see me [autographs are first come first serve].
*For those of you that missed the video [it’s life changing], click here [the password is bedwine].
Why do flight attendants say thank you when they pick up our trash? Do they know they’re doing us a favor? It’s bad enough that their job description includes “be a walking trash can” but adding “smile while you receive it” and “thank them for their trash” seems a bit much. Are they aware that this is their main job when they enlist? I can’t imagine anyone goes in thinking “You know what gets me up each day? Having a stranger give me garbage at 35,000 feet."
What type of person wants to be a flight attendant?
Airline: We need someone to hand out soda on a flying bus.
Flight Attendant: I’m your man!
Airline: These people will whine about everything. They’ll be wearing flip-flops, sweatpants, and inflatable pillows.
Flight Attendant: At least I’ll get to see the world!
Airline: You’re on the Detroit to Tulsa route.
Flight Attendant: Okay.
Why are locker rooms the only place where group showering is normal? We've erected walls in every other showering venue, but walls are off limits in gyms. Families don't shower together. Friends don't shower together [not my friends at least]. And in most places it's "weird" or "illegal". We had Roman Baths, then the Dark Ages [where no one bathed], and then private showers. I consider myself a fan of solo showering [don't you DARE touch my loofah], but I am curious how group showers came back into favor.
1: Hey bro. You wanna take a shower with me and 7 other dudes?
2: Naw bro, I’m good.
1: What if we workout first? I'll spot you. You'll spot me. We’ll work up a real good sweat and then we’ll hit the showers, lathering and scrubbing in close proximity to one another but never ever touching or making eye contact?