The Weekly: 11
Hello people. And hello dogs who are afraid of lighting and/or thunder [get your Thundershirts ready!].
Today's The Weekly is coming at you from the comfort of my own couch. After a few lovely days traipsing [I'm a traipser] around my childhood neighborhood, hanging out with my in-laws, and visiting my mom in the hospital [she's better now], I'm happy to be home. And nothing quite says home like watching your wife wrap your dog in a Thundershirt as the lightning hits the Freedom Tower and you sip Pinot Grigio out of a glass that was more expensive than the bottle it came in [$4.96].
For those of you who were planning on coming to my show last night [no one], I'm sorry if you didn't get the memo in time, but I was rescheduled for a show this Saturday.
This is what I stared at as I whipped up the magic you're about to read below. Lighting was not cooperating, otherwise this shot would have been way cooler.
UPDATE! The gods were cooperating after all. After scouring through the footage I found one of the lighting. [You're welcome.]
The Birds and the Bees
The birds and the bees is the most misleading euphemism ever concocted. Who in the history of the world came up with that?
John: My Dearest Elizabeth, I write to express my desire that, upon my return from the far east, we discuss… *looks around furtively* the birds…and…the bees…if you know what I mean.
Elizabeth: The birds AND the bees? I know exactly what he means. Swoon.
Are birds and bees even friends? I’ve never seen them hanging out together in the wild. Were any other animals considered for this euphemistic stardom? "Let me tell you about the dingos and the aardvarks" doesn’t have the same ring.
Speaking of birds...
We say somethings’s "for the birds" when it’s a piece of shit. Why do we assume they’re interested in our rubbish? Isn’t that a bit presumptuous? Did anyone ever ask the birds what they want? Maybe they have discerning beaks. And what’s their “for the birds”? For the flies? How far down the food chain does this go?
Whoever first named flies didn’t really think this through. Was a fly the first flying thing they’d ever seen? Did they not realize there were other flying things?
Caveman: What’s is that flying thing?!?
Cave-biologist: It’s…uh…a fly!
Caveman: And what’s that other flying thing!?!
Cave-biologist: Dang it.